Chasing After Permanence

Time never waits

2010-04-29T17:05:00.001-07:00

All of life
Is in one drop of the ocean waiting to go home
Just waiting to go home
And if the moon
Can turn the tides it can pull the tears
And take them from our eyes
Make them into monsoons
Turn them into monsoon-er or later
They’ll weep their way back to the sea
Gonna finally be free
Free for a while
Until they break
Like waves of sorrow always do all in due time
Because time never waits

--Jack Johnson, Monsoon

It is so strange when one day spent indoors floundering and not paying attention to what is outside leads to the appearance of blooming and growing things that were just not there yesterday, or a few days before. One day the cherry trees were blooming and the next, the blossoms had been replaced entirely with leaves. And you realize, time really doesn't wait.

Pretty roses & succulents in the garden

A savory mushroom, brie, spinach, and shallot quiche

brunch in the backyard

Mellow cows on the wayside, hiking with my dog

I wish for more good days without the blurriness and of blundering allergies, to spend lunching in the backyard and soaking in the springtime sun before the summer doldrums hit and the hills fade from their lush green to a sunbaked goldenrod scape.

I wish for good sleep and cuddles and the deepest slumbers and just pure rest, pure, undisturbed rest.

I wish for headache-less days and productivity and efficiency and functioning brain cells that let me just study study study and be successful on my MCAT.

There are just 23 days left as of today.

rainy mondays

2010-04-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

When the rain and those sneaky little allergy medicines threaten to leave me in bed all day floundering, bleary-eyed and drowsy, a strong cup of coffee and something lovely to gush at never fail to come to the rescue.

My head spins when I think of all the possible trinkets and treasures I could store in this amazing coffee table.
Townsend Coffee Table
found via the wonderful Mrs. French at Bliss

Spring rain glass bottle vintage brass chain necklace, via Just Me Jewelery

While we are on the subject of rain... how lovely would it be do capture your very own raindrops, frozen in time in glass...

tea time lariat via Cloud Cuckoo Land

Or watch the endless rain, peeking from the safety of the teacup held up to your lips...

doodles and a subjective productivity

2010-03-14T12:23:00.000-07:00

strange flowery fripperies

little boxy village

cupcake cottages

sunflower frivolities

dress lusting, straw hatted spring things

blowfishes in pharmacology

[yes, they really are this small in real life.]

Clouds in the sky/Wednesday Noon

2010-02-24T12:51:00.000-08:00

Good morning, mushroom & dew at the park

First of the year, blueberry muffins with streudel topping. Always generous with the berries...

Lovely Lady.

I am ready for spring.

I'm ready for Sunday brunches in the backyard.

I'm ready for tea parties in the afternoon sun.

I'm ready for floral dresses and sandals and straw hats and liberated toes.

I'm ready for the fresh, sun-ripened fruits and the tenderest vegetables at the farmer's market.

I'm ready for carefree strolls in the crisp morning sunshine with my lovely golden retriever.

I am ready for spring.

Tuesday/Wednesday night distractions

2009-12-16T00:49:00.000-08:00

1 final down, 2 more to go! But in the meantime...

How perfect is this necklace? I am such a sucker for mossy-olive-split pea greens and this fabulous piece has just the right amount of texture, dimension, and color pop to make me swoon :]

Moss and Tree Necklace @ Vadjutka on Etsy

And this gorgeous piece. Simply lovely in its elegant simplicity. Double swoon.

3 pearls in a pod necklace @ SeaUnicorn on Etsy

And finally... the most sugary-sweet and pink delightful spectators... triple swoon.

Draping Orchid Spectators @ Anthropologie

I have a penchant for diverting my wandering attention towards the things that I might fancy to reward myself with for the hard work, sweat, (and sometimes tears) of the semesters as they go by... It's never too early to do so, even before the finals are over :)

So tell me, which would you choose?

2009-12-10T02:33:00.000-08:00

Further signs of my unquestionably wavering ability to ward off distractions...

Finals are coming up sooner than I have resigned myself to comprehend, as the impending doom of my weak concentration skills loom closer (or later into the night).

As I was intently studying the replication properties of the hepatitis A virus, it occurred to me that I had, some time long ago, acquired and stashed away a handful of wonderfully knotted and looped trimmings and gleefully polka-dotted and striped ribbon and these things simply could not stand to be ignored for another moment. And before I knew it, they were splayed out over my studies and pictures were taken and possibilities were imagined and studies were suspended. Tokens of my fickle 2AM diversions, as they are.

As testament to the existence of even a smidgen of self control... hopefully these shall not be made into headbands until AFTER finals are over! Ha.......ha.

Monday's distractions...

2009-12-07T16:20:00.000-08:00

1. French Country Flavors Gift Set @ urbanspice
I love the decadent purple color of the Old Vine Merlot Sea Salt. I imagine just adding a pinch or two of these when cooking some hearty winter dishes... perhaps a creamy tomato & basil bisque?

2. A-Cute Triangle Heels in Teal Blue @ ModCloth
Perfect little triangle cutouts and a gorgeous color to boot. Would wear these to go frolicking in a vintage velvet frock and cashmere tights.

3. Amity Silk and Chiffon Chemise @ Hopeless
Gorgeous white and just the right amount of ruffle. I would never, ever get out of bed.

4. Carnival des fleurs vintage flower hair pin set @ FleurAvenue
Charming pops of color to add a little bit of easy glamour to a messy bun for cozying up with a book and a chai tea latte on rainy days...

Some projects...

2009-11-15T15:14:00.001-08:00

Here are some recent/current projects I have been working on...

satin...tulle...velvet...silk...plush cotton and more
turning these into headbands, fabulous hair clips, earrings and more

I love these deep teals and forest greens and regal purples... the wintry pops of sparkle and shine, the lush velveteen and soft textured pearls...

and birthday cards for my dearest mom...

Deep tangles of rhinestones and ropes and chains

jumbles and twists of the gaudiest vintage earrings...repurposed and updated into chunky weaves of a dangling neckpiece...still in progress...
wire-wrapped stones and my favorite mustard-colored velvet ribbon

and last but not least, my most exciting project of all...
writing out a custom arrangement for a string trio of A Perfect Circle's "The Nurse Who Loved Me" for a wedding... Can't wait to see how this turns out... xx

2009-10-24T16:25:00.000-07:00

It is like dangling a string with a carrot at the end in front of an unknowing little bunny rabbit. Its eyes grow wide and its ears angle towards the sky and its tail wiggles in anticipation as it scampers so eagerly towards the prize. Yet you dangle the bait with my eyes on the prize and I fail to pause to think that I might not get my paws on it now. Maybe later, you say, maybe later.

One of the favorite pairs I have made thus far.

I love this.

Getting ready to let them go... as my first commissioned pieces :)

I fear the cold.

2009-10-24T00:33:00.000-07:00

Prismacolor. August 09.

Autumn Tactics

2009-10-23T17:29:00.000-07:00

October moon and rusty skies
Ever changing feelings
The seeds of autumn in my mind

The hiding sun, like the hiding sun
Feels like it's just begun
The hiding sun, like the hiding sun
Waiting for summer sun
[Chicane]

These are a few of my favorite things.
[1] Golden Gate Bridge
[2-3] Bay Bridge
[4-6] Stow Lake
[7] Pier 39

you said Is (III)

2009-06-25T23:23:00.000-07:00

you said Is
there anything which
is dead or alive more beautiful
than my body,to have in your fingers
(trembling ever so little)?
                Looking into
your eyes Nothing,i said,except the
air of spring smelling of never and forever.

....and through the lattice which moved as
if a hand is touched by a
hand(which
moved as though
fingers touch a girl's
breast,
lightly)
     Do you believe in always,the wind
said to the rain
I am too busy with
my flowers to believe,the rain answered



you said Is (III) - e.e. cummings

The Infinite Exodus

2009-06-01T11:25:00.000-07:00

The Infinite Exodus
Prismacolor art marker & micron pen on dove gray cardstock

And as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder...

It feels exactly like how I felt when I graduated from high school.
The most awfully sad songs getting me through my days as I wonder...
What am I doing? How am I doing?

Shameless, I know... I love my Coldplay, Dashboard, Death Cab...

25 miles roundtrip
I've driven back and forth, left and right, up and down this place
Had to get gas three times in the past month... but I don't mind.

These are gloomy days
I sit and stare at the purple sky and rub away the goosebumps on my legs.
They always come back anyhow.

no clarity

2009-05-30T16:23:00.000-07:00

We tell the strangest lies and the most awful truths. I'm not sure which one is more applicable. And driving down Wilshire, Sometime Around Midnight, with the window cracked open just an inch, the oncoming traffic honking and sputtering their way into the night, the whooshing sound as everyone passes you by, as if they were just pushing the open air. Each car, speeding its way beyond you, muttering through their exhaust,

"Chumchurum,
Chumchurum,
Chumchurum..."

And you wanted to shout at all the people in their cars, blinded by the night,

"Can't you see?
Open your eyes!
Open your ears!"

I want the madness to stop. I want to world to slow down. Pay attention, for what it's worth.

"you are in a pensive mood today"

2009-05-30T01:06:00.000-07:00

...said the lady with the cropped silver hair perched on the bouffant sofa near the baby grand piano, as my last note curled and disappeared into the air.

And a ripple of exhaustion washes over as my eyelids give me away.

Coffee?
No, no, I'll be okay.

Acrylic on recycled cardstock

The amount of sheer creativity and synthesis required in one hour of expounding pure soul wipes me out, knocks me over and renders me so, so tired. I have to stop at an hour and fifteen, before the music steals my soul completely.

Today, I feel unruffled. Journal in bag, music in head, waking up wishing the morning moments would last forever... warm, unthinking, unfazed by the noises in the street... the greenish morning light. pull the blanket back over my bare legs and curl back into a dreamy sleep.

we went on a vacation! to the beach!
The sand is not so bad, really...

The silence and bliss. Meandering happiness in...

*fresh laundry. warm fuzzy towels.
*decadent soaps in the lingerie drawer
*manicures with a different color of polish on each finger
*pomegranate green tea
*patent leather buckled flats
*Chanel No. 5
*glamorous, fabulous weekends.

the same thing

2009-05-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

We never change, do we?
No, no
We never learn, do we?
So I wanna live in a wooden house
And making more friends would be easy

Oh and I don't have a soul to save
Yes and I sin every single day
We never change, do we?
We never learn, do we?

So I wanna live in a wooden house
Where making more friends would be easy
I wanna live where the sun comes out

[Coldplay - We Never Change]

Almost there.

2009-05-16T00:11:00.000-07:00

Finally purchased my cap & gown today.
I have no idea what week it is.
I must be unwittingly avoiding any recognition of time in a subconscious effort to prolong a blissful sense of constancy--
In less than one month, I will be leaving the place I have known as home for the past four years.
I'm terrified and yet I can't wait to start anew and let change inspire me.

Los Angeles,
the city of all things fast and furious
yet slow and unwavering and indefinite
snaking along in the hustling and bustling
the cars on its streets mumbling and grumbling
its endlessness and
the sunshine and persuasion
the city of no limits
of excess and temptation
the city that makes you wait
and wait and wait
the city inspires and breathes a spark into each endeavor
and holds you hostage
as you drive yourself to a fit of carefree passion
you can have everything
and nothing at the same time
a city for dreamers and thinkers and doers,
a city for me.

You have to be so patient to live in this city.
I will miss it dearly.

3:25am and the silence that keeps me awake

2009-05-07T03:24:00.000-07:00

At least Trent Reznor knows how I feel tonight.

they're starting to open up the sky
they're starting to reach down through
and it feels like we're living in that split-second
of a car crash
and time is slowing down
and if we only had a little more time
and this time
is all there is
do you remember the time we
and all the times we
and should have
and were going to
i know
and i know you remember
how we could justify it all
and we knew better
in our hearts we knew better
and we told ourselves it didn't matter
and we chose to continue
and none of that matters anymore
in the hour of our twilight
and soon it will be all said and done
and we will all be back together as one
if we will continue at all

shame on us
doomed from the start
may god have mercy
on our dirty little hearts
shame on us
for all we've done
and all we ever were
just zeros and ones

and you never get away
and you never get to take the easy way
and all of this is a consequence
brought on by our own hand
if you believe in that sort of thing
and did you ever really find
when you closed your eyes
any place that was still
and at peace
and i guess i just wanted to tell you
as the light starts to fade
that you are the reason
that i am not afraid
and i guess i just wanted to mention
as the heavens will fall
we will be together soon if we
will be anything at all

shame on us
doomed from the start
may god have mercy
on our dirty little hearts
shame on us
for all we've done
and all we ever were
just zeros and ones

[Nine Inch Nails -- Zero Sum]

paying the piper

2009-03-22T02:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes,

It feels like it doesn't even matter how pretty you are, how talented you are, how creative you are, how well-rounded you are, how accomplished you are. It doesn't matter how well you dress, how well you write, how well you speak, how well you present yourself. It doesn't matter that you can cook, that you can play the piano, write poetry, write music, paint, draw, craft, make jewelery, study brain cancer, read Dante, carve linoleum, sew, run 6 and a half miles, carry conversations with 90-year-olds, design and run your own lab experiments, teach 3-year-olds how to swim...

They might as well all be lies once they look at the numbers. In so many cases, quality seems to mean nothing without being qualified by quantity. A numerical qualifier. The cold, hard truth. Because everything else is a lie, a facade. A coverup for the all the ways that you tried, because trying never shows.

You have to pay the pied piper of The Next Phase of Life with your mark, your proof of existence, your impish, fickle, insufferable GPA, that insatiable and self-indulgent MCAT score, that cold, hard number that means everything but you wish meant nothing. And when you fail to pay up, he steals your soul. And while you're pied-piping your way through "For whom does this matter?" and "To what end must I continue to sell my soul?", you lose yourself anyway, whether you know it or not.

We're all just chasing after something that's intrinsically ephemeral. We just need something to reach for, something to strive for, something to belong to. We're all trying to make it as something, to be something, to matter. We want so badly to qualify, yet all we know is how to quantify. We want recognition, we want to be significant. We just want to create meaning out of all this chaos and uncertainty. We want to be remembered. We can't stomach the idea of being forgotten.

We're all just chasing after permanence.

whimsy

2009-03-20T00:16:00.000-07:00

a whimsical thing...
playing with my new ColorBox inkpad.
I like it.

some days
it's the kind of compelling morning fog that makes sleeping in for an extra 10 minutes... 30 minutes... 40 minutes... perfectly okay.

celebrating the end of my second to last quarter of university with creme puffs, Japanese groceries, chocolate-covered strawberries, and an inclination to actually go to sleep before 1am, let alone 5am, this very night.

71F

2009-03-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

Today's test tube pickings...
Discreet pluckings from the neighborhood flowerbeds...
The best flowers are the ones you pick yourself... for free :)

antiquified via http://labs.wanokoto.jp/olds

new stamp!

2009-03-14T02:19:00.000-07:00

the latest

2009-03-13T00:58:00.000-07:00

This week --
Hand-carved stamps have piqued my interest, inspired by Geninne's Art Blog @ http://blogdelanine.blogspot.com.

Spent way too much money this week buying up oodles of crafting supplies, albeit ones that I always think I am in dire need of...
I can't resist!
Purchased a set of 24+12 Prismacolor markers, beading tools & findings, the most beautiful lapis lazuli beads, a set of Speedball linoleum cutters, 63 Staedtler erasers (for $11.49!!), and currently in search of an array of multi-colored stamp pads.

Purchases made but cannot be used or played with until AFTER THE M.F. MCAT
-_-

But in the meantime...

My 2 very first hand-carved stamps made out of Staedtler erasers (thus explaining my purchase of 63 such items) using an exacto knife (thus awaiting the shipment of my newly purchased linoleum cutters...)

Fashioned a darling little bookmark for one of my favorite residents (and #1 fan of my music!) at the convalescent home.
(Currently reading: John Steinbeck's Tortilla Flat)

Hand-carved stamp, DecoColor paint pens

Complete with nifty little wood bead purchased in Shanghai

The crafty life is good :)
The MCAT life... not so good
(I'm working on it!)

I/you/we

2009-03-12T00:51:00.001-07:00

how things have changed
(I/you/we) could be so superficial
And cruel
And meaningful and worthless at the same time
high school's "frigid bitch"
I hope it feels better soon
or later
maybe tomorrow

once in a while
stop thinking in terms of forever
holding things in
hiding nothing
and everything
for every apparent reason
I couldn't have it all

(I/you/we) could be so selfish
hide behind that judgment
that foolishness
that comparison
that jealousy
that coldness
that love-hate
that love-to-hate

in the composite darkness of
our borrowed souls
our naked souls
and those recycled lies
and those crocheted truths

(I/you/we) wanted
still want so much
more than what is there
more than what is here but
still less than what I choose to
give.

I would.

2009-03-06T22:20:00.000-08:00

Having a relaxing friday night at home, enjoying the simpler things in life--

-cupcakes & chai tea lattes
-long steamy showers
-lavender-scented soy candles
-doodles in my journal

and I heard something painfully beautiful wafting through the closed window amidst the 10pm wilshire traffic--

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way

--Nine Inch Nails - Hurt

---

I would keep myself.
I would find a way.

fake smile/real frown

2009-02-28T22:45:00.000-08:00

toblerone
+
riesling white wine

2009-02-28T16:07:00.000-08:00

It's the last day of February, yet again an end to another month.

I feel unaccomplished. I feel like I haven't done anything worthy of being called an "accomplishment" this month. I watched things slip away, barely clawing after them in a lame attempt to slow down the deterioration.

I was reminded again why I dislike flowers. They make me happy, at least at first. My fresh-picked wildflowers plucked from the flower beds of houses I pass by when I'm walking home from school are wilting. The pot of roses I bought from Trader Joe's has started to wither and the fresh yellow petals are starting to fade despite making sure they see the sun every day along with meticulous watering. In the end they all die anyway. Perhaps this is why that despite the initial happiness that flowers afford me, no one gives me flowers anyhow, probably due to my unhealthy attitude towards the stages when they start to wilt and eventually die.

It seems like a general problem with my outlook on things in life. I'm always looking at the endpoint, the conclusion, or even just the intangible things-in-the-future. The damn flowers are going to die anyway. Why can't I just take things for what they're worth and enjoy them while they last?

Drive

2009-02-18T02:47:00.000-08:00

Where are your keys, baby?

You can hold my hand as we break the opaque night over this dark, slippery highway.

I wish you weren't driving to send me away again.
I wish one day you will be my final destination.

One day, I won't have to leave you, ever again.

Afterglow

2009-02-17T20:31:00.000-08:00

Purchased a baby pot of yellow Parade roses tucked into a demure, brown porcelain coffee mug at Trader Joe's today in an effort to cheer myself up.
The sky keeps threatening to rain but all it does is sneak desperate blasts of cold, dry air under my skin.

Browsed through a whole display of the sappiest, mushiest Hallmark cards in between classes. Finally chose one and wondered about forking over money for sweet nothings on square-shaped cardstock. I could just as easily steal the clever phrases and make my own cards. But I bought it anyway. Tucked it between my physiology notes and shuffled on to class.

Aaron Parks - Afterglow
[It] fits my mood at the end of the best of the best days, as reality resumes its dullness. Its stressors. The things that pull my head from out of the clouds. Perhaps I could be a giraffe in another life. The clouds would not be so far away and I could keep dreaming for just a little longer.

I miss going to sleep with a smile on my face, waking up to a smiling, loving face.

Reminders to self:
-Buy more stamps
-Stop feeling so sad
-Drink less coffee

The puckered up LA sky

2009-02-05T11:38:00.000-08:00

A rainy day in LA: weak and feeble,
Puckered up and all for show
The unfortunate attention whore:

The stillness cries, then kills.
Is killed.

Cars and their put-put madness along the endless road to a non-existent terminal destination
Always a purpose without a motive
We're always driving ourselves to insanity in our aimless desires to go somewhere be somewhere do something find something -

Hide from something, really.

2009-02-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

They say that a girl should not wear her heart on her sleeve, that she should not be the one to say "I love you" first.

I never listen to what they say.

Life could be so fragile

2009-02-03T00:59:00.000-08:00