Saturday, May 30, 2009

no clarity


We tell the strangest lies and the most awful truths. I'm not sure which one is more applicable. And driving down Wilshire, Sometime Around Midnight, with the window cracked open just an inch, the oncoming traffic honking and sputtering their way into the night, the whooshing sound as everyone passes you by, as if they were just pushing the open air. Each car, speeding its way beyond you, muttering through their exhaust,


And you wanted to shout at all the people in their cars, blinded by the night,

"Can't you see?
Open your eyes!
Open your ears!"

I want the madness to stop. I want to world to slow down. Pay attention, for what it's worth.

"you are in a pensive mood today"

...said the lady with the cropped silver hair perched on the bouffant sofa near the baby grand piano, as my last note curled and disappeared into the air.

And a ripple of exhaustion washes over as my eyelids give me away.

No, no, I'll be okay.

Acrylic on recycled cardstock

The amount of sheer creativity and synthesis required in one hour of expounding pure soul wipes me out, knocks me over and renders me so, so tired. I have to stop at an hour and fifteen, before the music steals my soul completely.

Today, I feel unruffled. Journal in bag, music in head, waking up wishing the morning moments would last forever... warm, unthinking, unfazed by the noises in the street... the greenish morning light. pull the blanket back over my bare legs and curl back into a dreamy sleep.

we went on a vacation! to the beach!
The sand is not so bad, really...

The silence and bliss. Meandering happiness in...

*fresh laundry. warm fuzzy towels.
*decadent soaps in the lingerie drawer

*manicures with a different color of polish on each finger

*pomegranate green tea

*patent leather buckled flats

*Chanel No. 5

*glamorous, fabulous weekends.

Monday, May 25, 2009

the same thing

We never change, do we?
No, no
We never learn, do we?
So I wanna live in a wooden house
And making more friends would be easy

Oh and I don't have a soul to save
Yes and I sin every single day
We never change, do we?
We never learn, do we?

So I wanna live in a wooden house
Where making more friends would be easy
I wanna live where the sun comes out

[Coldplay - We Never Change]

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Almost there.

Finally purchased my cap & gown today.
I have no idea what week it is.
I must be unwittingly avoiding any recognition of time in a subconscious effort to prolong a blissful sense of constancy--
In less than one month, I will be leaving the place I have known as home for the past four years.
I'm terrified and yet I can't wait to start anew and let change inspire me.

Los Angeles,
the city of all things fast and furious
yet slow and unwavering and indefinite
snaking along in the hustling and bustling
the cars on its streets mumbling and grumbling
its endlessness and
the sunshine and persuasion
the city of no limits
of excess and temptation
the city that makes you wait
and wait and wait
the city inspires and breathes a spark into each endeavor
and holds you hostage
as you drive yourself to a fit of carefree passion
you can have everything
and nothing at the same time
a city for dreamers and thinkers and doers,
a city for me.

You have to be so patient to live in this city.
I will miss it dearly.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

3:25am and the silence that keeps me awake


At least Trent Reznor knows how I feel tonight.

they're starting to open up the sky
they're starting to reach down through
and it feels like we're living in that split-second
of a car crash
and time is slowing down
and if we only had a little more time
and this time
is all there is
do you remember the time we
and all the times we
and should have
and were going to
i know
and i know you remember
how we could justify it all
and we knew better
in our hearts we knew better
and we told ourselves it didn't matter
and we chose to continue
and none of that matters anymore
in the hour of our twilight
and soon it will be all said and done
and we will all be back together as one
if we will continue at all

shame on us
doomed from the start
may god have mercy
on our dirty little hearts
shame on us
for all we've done
and all we ever were
just zeros and ones

and you never get away
and you never get to take the easy way
and all of this is a consequence
brought on by our own hand
if you believe in that sort of thing
and did you ever really find
when you closed your eyes
any place that was still
and at peace
and i guess i just wanted to tell you
as the light starts to fade
that you are the reason
that i am not afraid
and i guess i just wanted to mention
as the heavens will fall
we will be together soon if we
will be anything at all

shame on us
doomed from the start
may god have mercy
on our dirty little hearts
shame on us
for all we've done
and all we ever were
just zeros and ones

[Nine Inch Nails -- Zero Sum]